Some Kind Of Christian

I'm not sure about anyone else, but my faith has been hard-pressed on every side in 2020. I've seemed to have developed a pessimistic tunnel vision that only perceives the faithfulness of rejection, disappointment, and suffering. Like a spouse who turns their back to their partner out of frustration, so I've rotated from hope to hopelessness. Laying there in the secret place, arrested by the weight of my anger, pity, and silence, I was unable to receive rest. Giving God a frozen heart in a posture of defeat. For weeks I was brewing like morning coffee, waiting to throw in the towel and cave into a pit of despair.

I've personally been grieving the injustices against black bodies so much that I've actually found myself in a vocal coma. I look to God, and I have no words to pray. I come to Him defeated because the cries of this black woman don't seem to be regarded as valid. They're not relevant enough to her government, not deemed innocent in her schools, not welcomed in her neighborhoods, and especially not noticed in her church. Between the political chaos, COVID-19, severe racial injustice, and my struggles to find a job that aligns with my purpose, it's been difficult for me to claim Christianity and REALLY mean it.

A Risky Romance With Unbelief

This faith, this cross we carry daily to live like Christ, is supposed to be about good news. It's supposed to be about joy amid suffering. But lately, the good news hasn't seemed to remember my address. So I often question where can my pessimistic heart find restoration? What does it even mean to be Christian in times when hope has dwindled?

It's quite ironic because, for once, the world actually is on the same page as some members of the body of Christ—which is such an oxymoron. We've seemed to find common ground in the area of unbelief. We have people who disbelieve sexual assault victims, disbelieve the reality of the coronavirus, disbelieve that black lives matter, disbelieve that police brutality will end, disbelieve that LGBTQIA individuals are also image-bearers of God, disbelieve that God will bring deliverance, disbelieve that peace can be their portion, and the list goes on.

Unbelief is running rampant within our world, and although not unusual when referencing life on earth, it is a cause for concern when the body of Christ is on one accord with faithless agendas. I have noticed that as children of God, we get so used to grieving alongside others in the moment or getting fired up about the generations of brokenness in our homes, schools, institutions, and dare I say churches that we can begin to appropriate a spirit of despair and forget that hope is still around the corner.

Reevaluating Christianity

In my current season, there were days I greeted despair with open arms, there were days I chose self-sabotage, and there were days I decided not to seek God. But even when I gave up for the day, I woke up the next morning with a desire to cry out. For some, that may not mean much, but if you know Psalm 34:17, it is from the outcries of the broken-hearted that the Lord responds with deliverance and clarity.

Being a Christian amid discouraging and depressing times is not about pretending to be fine. It's about saying yes to the Holy Spirit. It's about saying yes to that nagging and tickling pull of the Holy Spirit to be audacious enough to say "I'm gonna keep going because there has to be hope somewhere." It means agreeing with that still small voice that compels you to believe for something more. It's about giving room for expectation, for a crazy faith to believe that harvest and victory is your birthright in Christ. The Holy Spirit would not leave me alone, and He won't leave you alone, either.

So today, I've come to write to the heart that feels like hope is played out. You've tried to be diligent in prayer, you've been attempting to see the bigger picture, you've even tried tithing and offering to release your faith in an area, but inaction and disappointment still follow. I'm writing to those hearts who feel like they are too blessed to be stressed. You've hoped for something, and it never came to pass, but you're "alright" so you can't complain. You've limited your dreams and aspirations in your prayers out of hopes to be grateful, but it's just false humility. You've been harboring many little moments of disappointments to the point where you stopped praying for miracles and started praying for normalcy. I'm writing to anybody else in between that finds themselves struggling to believe that something divine can come out of something "damned."

Finding Spiritual Stamina

Colossians 1:27 (TPT) reads, "Living within you is the Christ who floods you with the expectation of glory! This mystery of Christ, embedded within us, becomes a heavenly treasure chest of hope filled with the riches of glory for his people, and God wants everyone to know it!".

As Christians, we have hope embedded in us. We were made to produce faith with the help of the Holy Spirit. Our faith is the only thing that sets us apart from those who are in the world. Your faith has the literal power and authority to transform the diagnosis of pain that this world has been prescribed. I don't say this to create barriers or schisms between the believer and unbeliever; I say this to explain that without your faith, our world has nothing to look forward to, no positive outcome on the horizon.

Change comes when people have the faith to believe the vision of wholeness and healing.

So I want to beg you not to give up your authority; To not sell yourself short of your divine capacity to have faith. I encourage you to dream of Heaven on earth and not be ashamed or feel stupid for thinking that there can be more because those who hope in the Lord WILL NOT be put to shame. Your faith will yield a divine blessing, whether on earth or in Heaven.

No matter if your faith is as small as a mustard seed, cling on to that seed and take it to the bank in the spirit and cry out to God. Use that seed to dream up whatever piece of Heaven you pray would come down and be made real in your life. Don't normalize injustices, disappointments, brokenness, or loss of any kind. I dare you to lay claim to what is yours as a Kingdom citizen. I dare you to fight the enemy and the kingdom of darkness for territory. I dare you to expect more out of life.

Walk as confident and as tall as Jesus did. He lived in the midst of a society that seemed to be in constant turmoil. But what kept Him tall was the hope of the cross and the joy set before Him. The picture didn't have to be aesthetically pleasing for Him to believe. Christ both scorned the shame of the suffering but found joy in the blessing it would unleash, which means that it is 100% possible through faith for us to separate the vision of hope into two parts: suffering and glory.

So don't let your hopes fall to the ground. I challenge you to answer these questions: what will I choose to believe again today? According to God's Word, which Scripture will you use to ignite and speak to that dried up place of faith?

God was never afraid to give a Word of Hope in a gloomy season, so don't be afraid to cling onto hope. Be encouraged beloved; your struggles do not invalidate your Christianity. I walk alongside you all, desiring to be "some kind of Christian."